A Typical Rehearsal
by dinenwen
Summary: The jellicle cats are putting on a play and chaos insues during a rehearsal. This play was originally written and performed as a drama assignment.


A Typical Rehearsal  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own the musical CATs, I do not own any of the characters although their individual personalities are completely my creation. They belong to TS Eliot and Really Useful Films, the music is the property and creation of Andrew Lloyd Webber.  
  
Thanks to Laura Moughten for help with some lines and for letting me steal her idea about the Spanish Inquisition.  
  
Characters Main: Author - Bomabalurina - The red cat. Writes a play about the cats and wants the other cats to perform in it. The author is a control freak especially when it comes to her play and doesn't appreciate the joking around of the kittens. She is bossy and know-all but not intentionally mean. She is an older female cat, out of kitten hood but nonetheless relatively young. Her main colors are black and red with a white stomach and black feet.  
  
Etcetera - kitten - Etcetera is the youngest of the kittens and generally is the most scatter minded. Her chief interests are play and male cats especially Tugger. Etcetera is undoubtedly ditzy. She is prone to high pitched noises, squeals and silliness. Her primary colors are white, orangish brown and black. She has a white front and back with orange and gray tiger stripes down her sides. She also has gray feet.  
  
Victoria - kitten - Victoria is very graceful. She is just growing into her body and thus a bit awkward but is by far the best dancer of the group. She still has the silliness of Etcetera but with more maturity. She is an all white cat with black whiskers. She tends to be slightly gossipy and when together with Etcetera they play off each other's silliness with distressing results.  
  
Electra - kitten - Electra is the oldest of the kittens and acts it. She is the smartest and most mature with a slightly disdainful air in regards to silliness and other such things. Her colors are black and brown. She wears a spike collar and has a black body with brown stripes.  
  
Supporting Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer: Two of the most well known of all cats. Mungo and Teazer are criminals who live in a fancy house on Victoria Grove but tend to wander away and cause all kinds of mischief. They are kleptomaniacs and like to cause chaos and general havoc. Mungo and Teazer are prone to tiptoeing and sneaky type movements. They tend to be in the back in the song and dance sequences and tend to argue. They are virtuous when it comes to the kittens and won't let Bomba talk about such horrible things as catnip around them. They look identical enough to be twins and generally dress like tigers. They are white with black and orange stripes covering their entire body.  
  
Setting The story opens in a junkyard. Bits of trash and discarded items are strewn about in the background but the stage area itself is relatively clear allowing for dancing. Two large discarded pillows on which the cats nap are sitting stage left. Near the pillows is a small stool. The door on stage right is the only of the two doors used and the other door is not used. A chair is sitting stage left on which Bombalurina sits to write. The kittens, Bombalurina, Mungojerrie, and Rumpleteazer are sleeping with their backs to the audience as the play begins.  
  
(As the play begins the cats begin to wake up with much graceful stretching and arm and leg extensions. Etcetera awakes and pounces on Electra with much glee. Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer look around, steal Victoria's pillow and tiptoe off. The cats continue their stretching but Bomba stands up and tells the audience about Jellicle cats as the rest of the cast freezes)  
  
Bombalurina: "Jellicle Cats are black and white, Jellicle Cats are rather small; Jellicle Cats are merry and bright, And pleasant to hear when we caterwaul Jellicle Cats have cheerful faces Jellicle Cats have bright black eyes; We like to practice our airs and graces And wait for the Jellicle Moon to rise."  
  
(Moves to down stage right, sits in a chair and begins to write on a clipboard. After a bit the pantomiming stops and she freezes) (The kittens move to upstage center)  
  
Etcetera: (extends her foot and stretches one last time) Did we have to wake up, I'm tired!  
  
Electra: You're always tired  
  
Victoria: Or hungry  
  
Electra: That's what comes of spending all your time screaming over Tugger and chasing him around.  
  
Etcetera: But he's so cure, and his eyes (sighs)  
  
Victoria: Munkustraps cuter  
  
Etcetera: I thought you liked Misto  
  
Electra: (rolls eyes)  
  
Victoria: Misto is so last week  
  
Electra: (looks exasperated) I hate to break your little infatuations but Tugger and Munku are both taken:  
  
Victoria: WHAT! By whom?  
  
Etcetera: (Covers ears) Noooo, I won't believe it! I won't listen (curls up in a ball on the floor)  
  
Electra: (to Victoria) Well, from what I hear Munkustraps and Demeter are really close and Tugger's smitten for Bombalurina.  
  
Etcetera: (Sits up in shock) What! Her! (Gestures at Bombalurina)  
  
Victoria: How come all the cute cats are always taken?  
  
Electra: Well maybe because Demeter and Bombalurina are pretty  
  
Etcetera: I'm pretty! (Smiles and poses for audience)  
  
Electra: And their age.  
  
Etcetera: That's silly. I'm the best one for Tugger and you both know it:  
  
Electra: Actually...  
  
Etcetera: (covers ears again) I'm going back to sleep (moves off to pillows)  
  
(Electra and Victoria begin playing with a little ball of yarn)  
  
(Bombalurina moves to downstage left and puts three rolled up scripts on a pillow. Then moves to upstage left and the kittens sit up quickly as if not wanting to be caught acting childish)  
  
(As Bomba moves to upstage Mungo and Teazer sneak in trying to disguise themselves as wall and steal a script off the stool and run off)  
  
Etcetera: (from her pillow) Who's that?  
  
Electra: It's Bomba darling  
  
Etcetera: Oh, the Tugger thief  
  
Bomba: What?  
  
Victoria: Never mind  
  
(Etcetera rejoins the other cats)  
  
Bomba: Remember that script I was writing  
  
Electra: Yes  
  
Victoria and Etcetera: No  
  
Bomba: Well I finally finished it.  
  
Victoria: What's it about  
  
Bomba: It's about us, our lives, and characters. We are all going to perform it instead of Skimble's number at the next Jellicle Ball.  
  
Electra: What happened to Skimble?  
  
Bomba: He hitched a ride on a one way train to the Caribbean, but that's not important. What is important is the fact that we only have a week to rehearse. We best get started, the work isn't getting done with us just sitting here and talking about it.  
  
Electra: That sounds familiar  
  
Victoria: Have you been listening to your teachers again?  
  
Etcetera: I should hope not!  
  
Electra: (to audience) Take it from me, Etcetera knows all about not listening  
  
Etcetera: I do so listen...  
  
Bomba: Are you two done?  
  
Electra: Nearly! (To Etcetera) You really ought to listen more. Think of your permanent record  
  
Etcetera: (sarcastically) Yes mother  
  
Electra: I think we're done.  
  
Bomba: Good! Let's begin. Turn to Act One please. We'll take it from "The naming of Cats"  
  
Electra: Why aren't the other cats here?  
  
Bomba: I want to make sure you kittens know what you're doing before I put you in with the advanced cats  
  
Victoria: I resent that!  
  
Etcetera: (goes to look under her pillow) I can't find my script. It's gone missing! Someone stole it!  
  
Victoria: (Goes to help look) And my pillow is gone!  
  
Author: Nonsense, who would want your stuff?  
  
Demeter: (screams from offstage) Macavity!  
  
Author: Rubbish, Macavitys not here!  
  
Electra: Demeter is sooo paranoid.  
  
Etcetera: But what about my script, what do we do?  
  
(all look stumped)  
  
Victoria: Get a new one off ebay for low low prices!  
  
Etcetera and Victoria: (sings) When you dooo it e-bay!  
  
(A script flies in from offstage and lands near Victoria. All look at it)  
  
Electra: Wow, speedy delivery  
  
Author: Right, can we please get to work now? I'll start. Kittens, repeat after me.  
  
Bombalurina: The Naming of Cats is a difficult matter, It isn't just one of your holiday games; You may think at first I'm as mad as a hatter When I tell you a cat must have three different names.  
  
Kittens: (uncertainly) The claiming of mats is a difficult clatter  
  
Author: What, that's not what the script says  
  
Etcetera: Well it ought to be!  
  
Victoria: Sounds much better then that stuff you put down!  
  
Author: Victoria, do you want to be the writer  
  
Victoria: Ummm, no.  
  
Author: Then just get on with reading what I have down.  
  
Electra: Ooooh, I found a typo!  
  
Bomba: But the script was handwritten  
  
Electra: Oh  
  
Etcetera: There's still an error  
  
Bomba: And what might that be?  
  
Etcetera: (laughs evilly) You gave Victoria a dance solo  
  
Author: How is that an error?  
  
Etcetera: The solo is ballet. According to Catmopolitan ballet is out and the chicken dance is in.  
  
Electra: That magazine is trash!  
  
Etcetera: I like the chicken dance!  
  
Victoria: I don't want to be a chicken, I don't want to be a duck so I ....  
  
Bomba: I am not changing the ballet to that, that chicken thingie! The choreographer would have a cow.  
  
Etcetera: Cows are scary  
  
Electra: Only the ones with horns  
  
Victoria: And the ones with spots. Spots are scary.  
  
Etcetera: So are stripes, and clowns, and humans dressed as cats  
  
Victoria: And ...  
  
(Mungo and Teazer tiptoe on as if sneaking) (action freezes except for Bomba)  
  
Bombalurina: Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer were a notorious couple of cats. As knockabout clowns, quick-change comedians, tight-rope walkers and acrobats, They had an extensive reputation. They made their home in Victoria Grove – That was merely their center of operation, for they were incredibly given to rove.  
  
(action unfreezes) Teazer: He He He  
  
Mungo: Shhhhhhhhhh  
  
Bomba: (Turns around and looks at them) There you are! Took you long enough. Are you ready two ready to practice?  
  
Mungo: Nooo  
  
Teazer: We have some concerns about the scripts.  
  
Bomba: You haven't even seen the scripts  
  
Teazer: Have too! Bomba: How?  
  
Teazer: Japan  
  
Mungo: We have connections in the black market!  
  
Author: Ok then, what's the problem this time.  
  
Teazer: The plot is boring.  
  
Mungo: It's much too taciturn. It doesn't accurately represent our lives  
  
Victoria: Oooh, big word!  
  
Teazer: We think you should add a little pizzazz.  
  
Etcetera: Pizza?  
  
Electra: Sssshhhh, it's their moment!  
  
Bomba: (to audience) This doesn't sound good  
  
Teazer: We think you ought to the Spanish Inquisition!  
  
Mungo: That would make the whole thing much better.  
  
Author: But, but, I can't write that. No one expects to see the Spanish Inquisition in CATs.  
  
Mungo: No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!  
  
Teazer: Our chief weapon is surprise...surprise and fear, fear and surprise  
  
Mungo: Our two weapons are surprise and fear and ruthless efficiency.  
  
Teazer: Our three weapons are fear, surprise and ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope.  
  
Mungo: Amongst are weapons are such elements as fear, surprise...  
  
Author: No! I will absolutely not add the Spanish Inquisition!  
  
Teazer: What about the French Revolution?  
  
Author: No  
  
Mungo: Custer's Last Stand  
  
Etcetera: Rebellion in Haiti  
  
Author: NO  
  
Victoria: Battle at Wounded Knee Creek?  
  
Author: No  
  
Electra: The Pekes and the Pollicles?  
  
Author: (Looks thoughtful) That I can do! How does this sound? "The Pekes and the Pollicles everyone knows, Are proud and implacable passionate foes It is always the same, wherever one goes."  
  
Teazer: You're no fun. You'll put in those dumb dogs but none of our ideas!  
  
Author: Can you please just do your number already.  
  
Teazer: We can't  
  
Author: Why?  
  
Mungo: Tugger...  
  
Etcetera: TUGGER! Where's Tugger!  
  
Mungo: Tugger has her tap shoes!  
  
Author: Good thing I brought extras!  
  
(Produces old pair, falling apart)  
  
Teazer: I can't wear those  
  
Author: For heavisides sake, why?  
  
Mungo: Well, you know  
  
Teazer: The plague...  
  
Author: What  
  
Mungo: Black death, bubonic plague,  
  
Teazer: Disease, sickness, epidemic, contaginon, pestilent  
  
Electra: It's contagion and pestilence.  
  
Etcetera: African sleeping sickness  
  
Victoria: Ebola  
  
Electra: SARs  
  
Bomba: The shoes do NOT have Ebola. Enough of this silliness! Just get to your lines before you have a drastic encounter with a sharp pointy object!  
  
Victoria: Sword?  
  
Electra: Most likely a safety pin  
  
Etcetera: How do you know?  
  
Electra: Bomba's obsessed with them  
  
Bomba: (looks at them and puts away the safety pin collection she'd been taking out) Ahem  
  
Mungo and Teazer: (Reluctantly begin) Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer We're the notorious pantomime horse An....  
  
Author: STOP! You can't use those lines! Those aren't mine. Look at your paper, see the words written there. Those are my words! Use those! You'll get me in trouble if you keep stealing other people's lines!  
  
Teazer: Has anyone ever told you that you are a control freak?  
  
Author: Well.........  
  
Electra: You really ought to get help for that. Etcetera can recommend a few people I'm sure  
  
Etcetera: (glares at her) Your not supposed to talk about that  
  
Teazer: We make a few small improvements and you flip out on us!  
  
Author: You don't understand! I wrote this script! I'm the writer. I'm the director. I control the actors. You do what I say!  
  
Victoria (to Electra) Wow, someone's on a power trip  
  
Author: You all looked so wonderful and easy to work with on paper. Such nice simple characters. Where did it all go wrong?  
  
Electra: You can't control your actors. You work with us and you help us. You try to channel us but you have to let us be who we are.  
  
Victoria: So young and yet so wise  
  
Etcetera: You ought to ask Mr. Mistoffelees, the original conjuring cat  
  
Teazer: The greatest magicians have something to learn, from Mr. Mistofefelees Conjuring Turn!  
  
Mungo: And we all say....  
  
Bomba: Wait, so now all of a sudden you lot actually want to do your lines? You make me crazy! I need some catnip!  
  
Teazer: (Covers Electra's ears, Mungo covers Victorias) Bomba, you know better then to be talking about drugs in front of the kittens!  
  
Etcetera: What did she say?  
  
Mungo: Sorry, it's censored  
  
Electra: Since when did you lot have values  
  
Teazer: We aren't completely without virtue  
  
Mungo: Just mostly  
  
Bomba: Put your good virtue to use with The Song of The Jellicles  
  
Mungo and Teazer: al'right  
  
Bomba: Take your places everyone (Cats move into dance position) Aaaaaaaaand Action  
  
Mungo and Teazer: (Say in a chanting type way while the other cats dance) Practical cats, dramatical cats, Pragmatical cats, fanatical cats Oratorical cats, deliphorical cats, Sceptical cats, dispeptical cats  
  
Bombalurina: (steps forward while other's dance) Romantical cats, pedantical cats, Critical cats, parasitical cats, Allegorical cats, metaphorical cats, Statistical cats and mystical cats, Clerical cats, hysterical cats Cynical cats, rabbinical cats  
  
Victoria and Electra: (forward while others dance) Jellicle songs for Jellicle cats Jellicle bells that Jellicles ring Jellicle sharps and Jellicle flats Jellicle songs that Jellicles sing  
  
All: (move into bunch) Jellicle songs for Jellicle cats Jellicle songs for Jellicle cats Jellicle songs for Jellicle cats Jellicle songs for Jellicle cats  
  
Etcetera: (goes forward) And that's what makes a Jellicle caaaaaaaaaat!  
  
(High kick, sink to floor)  
  
Electra: The end  
  
The End 


End file.
